A Melbourne run club for people who love running and love the people around them even more. We meet Saturday mornings at the River God Fountain in Fitzroy Gardens, run together, and go again the next week.
The name is a joke and a mission statement. We move slowly. We show up consistently. We build something real.
You pick your distance. Warm-up starts at 9:15 and we run at 9:30 sharp. Some of us are deep in a marathon block and will be out for 25km. Others do 5km. There is a 5km option every single week, no exceptions, and you'll never run it alone. Nobody is asked how far they're going, and nobody is asked why they stopped.
Our values
Slow is the point
Our long runs sit at 6:00–7:30/km — conversational pace. If you can't talk, you're going too fast. The people who improve fastest here are the ones who resist racing the easy runs.
Everyone finishes
No one gets dropped, no one gets left at a corner, no one runs the last kilometre alone. When the group splits we run in smaller groups, and we all meet back at the fountain at the end.
Consistency beats intensity
One Saturday a week, every week, will do more for you than three heroic weeks and a month off. Turn up tired. Turn up slow. Just turn up.
Club rules
Turning up
Give us a thumbs up in the group chat if you're coming. Numbers help us plan the route and make sure nobody's waiting on someone who isn't coming.
Warm-up is 9:15. We run at 9:30 sharp. We start on time so nobody's left standing around waiting — the warm-up is part of the session, not an optional extra. If you're running late, message the group rather than chasing us.
We meet at the River God Fountain, Fitzroy Gardens, every single week. Same spot, every Saturday. The route changes; the meeting point doesn't.
If you drop out, say so. A quick message beats us waiting or worrying.
On the run
Run to the conditions. Single file on shared paths, stay left, call out bikes, thank drivers who stop. We share Melbourne with everyone else in it.
Headphones: one ear out, or none. You need to hear traffic and you need to hear us.
Own your own safety. Carry your phone. Tell a run leader about anything — injury, asthma, medication, a rough week — that might matter if something goes wrong.
Each other
The group chat is for routes, races, photos and wins. Celebrate together.
Photos and video. We shoot content on Saturdays and post it to the HPS accounts. You tell us when you sign up whether you're happy to be in it, and you can change your mind any Saturday — tell whoever's holding the camera and we'll work around you, no explanation needed. Between members: ask before you post someone else's photo, and ask before you tag them.
The line
Harassment, discrimination or aggression ends your membership. Racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism — no warnings, no second run.
Run leaders can ask anyone to sit out a session for safety reasons, and that decision stands for the day.
We're a run club, not a race organiser. You run at your own risk, you confirm you're medically fit, and you take responsibility for your own body.
What you can expect from us
The route and the distance options posted before every Saturday — the meeting spot never changes
A run leader who knows where you're going and counts everyone back
Somebody to run with at your pace, whatever that is
A 5km option, whatever the long-run crew are doing
Nobody making you feel slow
Questions we haven't answered? Check the FAQs or ask in the group — no question is too basic. Half the club had the same one.